To Put An End To Loneliness
you'd like to share with us your own article about love relationship,
you can submit them here at our Love
To Put An End To Loneliness
separation are the real illness of our times. While we urgently
need true communication, instead we often find withdrawal, games
and lies. This is so widespread it is taken as the norm. So often
we come away from one another filled with misunderstanding, wondering
what really went on. Although we may not realize it, this confusion
arises because we do not know who we really are or who the person
we are with is either.
We get us many
chances to set this right. Our entire life consists of building
bridges. Each person we meet is another bridge, another link, a
new way to deepen the love and understanding we can become capable
of. Yet, so few of us know how to build this link - so few allow
it. Or, if we do, it is only for a few precious moments only, and
then we run away and hide.
bridge is the one, which allows another person into our world. But
there are many obstacles in crossing this bridge. Usually our first
response to another person is to judge, reject, or make some kind
We meet someone
and immediately label them. Instead of being a person, they become
an object to us, a stranger, or opponent. In this way we separate
ourselves from them. Then, we wonder why we feel so alone.
“Give up sirs,
your proud airs, your many wishes, mannerisms and extravagant claims.
They won't do you any good, sir! That's all I have to tell you.”
In order to
put an end to the loneliness we feel, we must look at the roles
and games we play—at the identities we cherish. These roles, dreams
and images are often exactly what keep our loneliness going strong.
Most of us wear
many hats, play many roles. In each hat we look and feel slightly
different. These hats are comfortable. They ward off the wind, snow
and rain. But sometimes one hat gets stuck on your head. You don't
remember that you have just put it on for the afternoon, and that
it’s hiding your true face. Roles
A role is a
set of behaviors intended to project a certain kind of image to
others and to ourselves. In each role we adopt certain behaviors,
feelings and attitudes. These responses are built in automatically.
When we are
thoroughly identified with a role we play, not only does this keep
us from interacting with all kinds of people, and exploring all
kinds of possibilities, but it keep us out of with what is truly
going on. Instead of being real our lives become an elaborate performance.
When this happens, loneliness is inevitable. This loneliness is
not caused by a separation from others, but from true selves.
Roles can also
be hypnotic. We can fall in love with a role or fantasy and begin
to believe it is who we truly are. Or, more commonly, we can fall
in love with someone who is playing out a role. (Here we are not
falling in love with the person, but with the image or fantasy they
create for us).
It can come
as quite a shock to us when the person drops this role and we are
face to face with who they really are, (this usually takes several
months into the relationship, and then we start wondering, where
the love has gone?)
Roles give us
a sense of temporary security. Temporary security isn't bad, but
it is only temporary and does not deal with our deeper needs, or
with the inner emptiness we feel.
danger of being lost in role playing is that these roles may begin
to take over. We can lose touch with the reality of what is going
on. We lose touch with what we really feel, and may not even be
able to see many possibilities for our lives that are available.
amount of misunderstanding and lack of communication comes from
being glued to a particular role or sense of yourself. Unglue yourself
a little. See if you can begin to separate yourself from the static
role definition you have been living with.
What kind of
roles, games or identities you cling to?
How does this
affect your overall functioning?
How does this
contribute to your sense of being lonely, estranged or separate
Let go of one
role, game or identity you usually play a day.
Just be who
you are. Let yourself know how you feel and what is truly important
As you do this
day after day, you will become more connected to both yourself and
the entire world.
Shoshanna, Ph.D., psychologist,workshop leader and author is a long
term Zen practitioner whose work integrates Zen and everyday life.
This article is based upon her most recent book, Living By Zen (Timeless
Truths For Everyday Life) http://www.livingbyzen.com.
Take a minute to go to the site to find out more about the book.
Dr. Shoshanna, the relationship expert on i.village is also the
author of Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster),
Zen Miracles, (Finding Peace In An Insane World) and many other
can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
Her personal website is http://www.brendashoshanna.com
Back to Love
Advice Page <<
little journal of love is now available for your free download.