Without Losing Yourself!
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Without Losing Yourself!
You are in love
and it feels wonderful. This love is different and you are prepared
to do anything to make it last. To prevent this ship from sinking
you work hard to steer this relationship into a safe harbor. In
the process you lose yourself and your romantic relationship becomes
When Kyra fell
head-over-heels for Dan she went out of her way to create a wonderful
relationship. She found herself at hockey games, watching horror
movies, at parties with his friends and on vacations with his family.
At home, things were not much different. Kyra cooked his favorite
meals, kept house the way he wanted and listened to music of his
choice. On Danís advice, Kyra cut her hair short, wore less make-up
and a conservative wardrobe. She had even given up her night classes,
because they cut into their dinnertime. For Dan, this relationship
was perfect. In an effort to not disappoint him, Kyra lived in constant
anxiety. She had adapted to his lifestyle, defended his views and
even began to talk like him. Kyraís friends witnessed her change
from a spirited and happy woman to a subdued and pleasing personality.
This relationship had sucked the life out of Kyra, yet she was the
last to notice.
in a relationship is a necessary ingredient for itís success, denying
the core of who you are is not. When you finally realize that an
all-consuming relationship is depleting you, there will be nothing
left but resentment. It will be difficult to reclaim yourself while
remaining in that same relationship. The outcome of such a relationship
is usually a heart-breaking crisis, with no one but you to blame.
of an all-consuming relationship is a half-hearted relationship.
In this relationship you withhold affection until the evidence is
in that the other is hooked. I love you, if you love me first has
become a common trend. Fearing that you will give more love than
you receive, you put your partner on probation and control the power
in this relationship. You judge according to your expectations and
keep track of his or her scores. The higher the scores, the more
you are willing to reward with love. This conditional view creates
tremendous emotional insecurity.
or halfhearted relationships are very unnatural and unhealthy. Ironically,
both types are guided by fear. In an all-consuming relationship,
fear of not being loved is the driving force. In a halfhearted relationship,
fear of being hurt prevents you from knocking down protective walls.
Is there a happy
medium? To you love wholeheartedly without losing yourself requires
a very different perspective of relationships. Even though you know
that relationships require work, deep down you cling to a sweet
illusion that meeting the right person is all it takes. You will
then take off on your magic carpet ride. Think again! Soon that
magic rug will be pulled from underneath you.
If you long
for a partner who is wholeheartedly behind you, ask yourself, are
you the same partner? Do you give that which you seek in your relationship?
Ironically, many lack the qualities they seek in their partners.
Listen to your heart and when it feels right, feel the fear and
love anyway. Love without hesitation and with all you heart. Donít
let your fear of rejection and getting hurt kill your desires or
steal your dreams. You may have stared in the face of love before.
Maybe you ďchickened-out.Ē Next time, donít be a chicken!
If you are in
a relationship of love, here is a universal truth: Love is choice
and if you choose it wholeheartedly, you are never going to lose
it. Love teaches you to become a better human being. Restore your
faith in love and become emotionally available to each other. Put
your fears and your past behind you and become lovable by being
loving. Learn to trust by trusting yourself. Surrendering to love
does not mean losing yourself. Yet, even when it is safe to open
your heart, you may feel weakened by the anxiety that this love
When in love,
how do you preserve your identity and course in life? Here is the
number one reason for losing yourself in a relationship: Your belief
that love is something you either deserve or not! Your misguided
belief leads you to counterproductive efforts to do almost anything
to get love and even more to hold onto it:
- You modify
your identity to gain approval and love from your partner.
- You hold
back intimacy to protect your vulnerability.
- You have
a need to manipulate your partner.
There is nothing
you have to be, or do, to earn love. When it is love, there is very
little you can do to destroy it. If you can believe that, you will
- You can be
loved even if you are not perfect
- You can be
loved while keeping your course in life
- You can be
loved without getting lost in love
Love is the
most powerful human lesson you are ever to learn. It is a purposeful
interdependence through which you become so much more than on your
own. Once you can understand that love is not something to be found,
rather it is in you to be shared, you can love wholeheartedly without
fear. Donít turn your back on love every time it touches you, because
when you give up on love you give up on yourself.
Allie Ochs 2005
Ochs is a speaker, relationship coach and author of: Are
You Fit to Love? Her book has received the honorable mention
at the USA 2004 Best Book Awards. She has appeared on TV, Radio
and is published in numerous magazines and newsletters. Visit her
and take the Fit 2 Love test.
You Fit to Love? : A Radically Different Approach to Successful
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