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"When you truly look for me, You will find me."
We all want
love. Then, when we get it, we become afraid and start to run in
the opposite direction. On the one hand we are searching for love,
searching for some lasting relationship. On the other hand, we are
relieved when the person goes away.
It always "seems"
as if relationships are difficult. They seem difficult to find,
to keep and to enjoy.Yet, the fundamental truth is: there is no
inherent problem with relationships. There is never a scarcity of
relationships. There is never a scarcity of love. Love is our natural
condition, why aren't we
The most common
answer to this question is that we must find the perfect person.
There is always something wrong with the people we meet. We have
not yet found the "right" person, who can make us really happy.
Or, if we have found him/her, that person has now left us and nobody
will ever take their place again.
At this point
we still believe that another person can make us happy. But, all
right, let us look for a moment at what we're dreaming of. Take
a moment to see clearly who this perfect person is to you. Sit down
and write a description of how you would imagine your perfect partner
to be. Let yourself daydream. Write down all the qualities such
a person would have.
Now, write a
paragraph describing how you would have to be in order to have such
a partner. (Daydreams have power). Just doing this exercise you
may begin to laugh. There may be wild discrepancies between how
you see yourself now and how you feel your wouldhave to be to hold
such a perfect partner.
What else might
you discover? You might also discover that you do not really like
this perfect person after all. He/she may only be some kind of ego-ideal.
(Someone to build up your own self-image).
like this is based upon non-acceptance of who and what we really
are.When we use another person to build up our own self-image, this
kind of relationship is grounded in fear.
Love can never
be built upon a foundation that is not real. If we do not feel good
within ourselves, is it really so surprising we may not really be
so eager, after all, for this perfect
There are many
ways people keep love away. Some constantly fall into relationships
only with difficult people. In this manner they insure that they
will either be rejected, or have to reject the other. Rejection
can feel more comfortable and familiar than the experience of love.
Take a long, hard, good look at this. Look at what it is in you
that feels it must keep love away. We cannot be open to love and
relationship until we are able to release our fear of and desire
for rejection. Once this pattern is dealt with, all of life opens
its many doors.
As this happens
it is inevitable to realize that love is free, it flows everywhere.
It flows to everyone regardless of their qualities. Love has nothing
to do with any images or fantasies of how somebody else "should
be", or how we "should be" either.
is the perfect person just as they are. When you begin finding the
beauty in everyone, then the right one for you just walks through
the door. .
Look around for a moment. See who is really in your life. Look at
this person. Are you willing to love them? Really? What will happen
if they start to love you too? Anything we can't love or accept
in another, is a mirror of something we can't love or accept in
our ourselves. All it takes is one moment to decide to turn that
around. Try for a moment. See how wonderful it feels.
Here is a lovely
exercise. Close your eyes, look at yourself through the eyes of
someone who loves you. Open your eyes a moment. Close them again,
and look at yourself now through your own eyes. Open your eyes.
Can you choose to look at yourself and others, through the eyes
of someone who loves them? If you can, you will be amazed at all
the love that starts flowing to you
Shoshanna, Ph.D., psychologist,workshop leader and author is a long
term Zen practitioner whose work integrates Zen and everyday life.
This article is based upon her most recent book, Living By Zen (Timeless
Truths For Everyday Life) http://www.livingbyzen.com.
Take a minute to go to the site to find out more about the book.
Dr. Shoshanna, the relationship expert on i.village is also the
author of Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster),
Zen Miracles, (Finding Peace In An Insane World) and many other
can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
Her personal website is http://www.brendashoshanna.com
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