One thing I know about rejection is that it feels real. And even though it rarely is real, it sure feels that way. Why is it rarely real?
First let’s look at – what is rejection? It looks like someone decides they don’t want to spend time, money, or share their heart with us. A person seemingly rejects us in favor of someone or something else. Or so it seems at first glance. What makes rejection seemingly hurt so much is that we perceive it to be a rejection of us personally. As a person, a human being.
One of the definitions of rejection is to deny. The one we take personally is to discard as defective or useless. That one zings right into our hearts. One thing I know for certain — absolutely no one on this earth can tell you that you’re defective or useless. Well, they can tell you but you can ?reject? their comment. The real pain behind rejection is that we think someone is saying we aren’t worthy. We are defective or useless. Guess what, it’s a lie.
IT’S A LIE!
You aren’t defective, flawed or useless. Why is it a lie? No one is defective or useless. If we are breathing we have an opportunity to be quite useful and if there is something we want to change about our lives, we can do that. No one is defective. Why do you think that the other persons behavior is about you? It isn’t. It’s about them. Always.
It’s about what works and doesn’t work for them. And if you don’t ?work? for someone, I guarantee you that you will work for someone else. And someone else will work better for you. And if someone can make you feel defective, then underneath you feel that way, otherwise you would reject that thought. You aren’t defective. That’s the truth.
I worked with a fabulous woman – we’ll call her Teresa. She is smart, kind, funny and very upbeat. But every time a man didn’t want to be with her, she felt rejected. And it would put her into a tailspin. As we worked on having her realize and focus on the things that she liked about herself, she began to shift.
Step by step, she began to realize she wasn’t defective and that she was useful, and so much more.
Then we looked at the various men in her life and what was going on with them. When she looked closely, she realized they weren’t rejecting her. It wasn’t personal.
They had their own issues, insecurities, fears, etc. She also realized she was better off without them in her life on a romantic relationship basis. Neither person was defective or useless – they just weren’t meant to be together in a romantic way
Now she is dating and enjoying herself and not rejecting herself or letting anyone else reject her.
THE BEST RELATIONSHIP
When you are in the best relationship for yourself and for the other person, you’ll know it. It doesn’t mean you are home free. There is always work in relationships. But you will know you?re in love and loved.
But that person – the best person – for you doesn’t make you feel rejected when he has to take care of his own business.
You know he loves you – he tells and shows you in various ways. He shows his appreciation and respect for you. And you show love, respect and appreciation of him, which creates a safe and courageous space for him.
WORK ON YOURSELF
So if this is a recurring theme in your life, then start right now to heal it.
Begin by listing all the wonderful qualities you have. Then ask friends and family what it is they appreciate and like about you. Then look back on past relationships and honestly ask yourself where the man was in his life when he ?rejected? you. What was going on in his life? What kind of man was he really?
Often we love someone and know they are truly a good person, but their behavior is awful. Or maybe they just aren’t available, so they can’t be in a relationship. Maybe they came from an abusive home and they don’t know how to love, or communicate.
Most of us didn?t learn how to be in healthy, thriving relationships. We learned our relationship skills at home and often they weren?t the best models.
It’s your choice whether you want to feel rejected or you want to accept that it wasn’t the best person for you or vice versa. There isn’t anything wrong in either case. No one is wrong, defective or useless. It just wasn’t a good fit.
So don’t feel badly about yourself. You’re a Goddess!
If you want some help working through any old rejection patterns, give me a call or get some help from another source. Don’t hold on to it any longer.
When you love yourself, when you feel good about yourself, when you let yourself and others have what is needed, you will feel free.
So love yourself, see your goodness, honor your Goddess. imagine the possibilities….