Is It Real?
by Carol Chanel
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- Is It Real?
One thing I
know about rejection is that it feels real. And even though it rarely
is real, it sure feels that way. Why is it rarely real?
look at - what is rejection? It looks like someone decides they
don't want to spend time, money, or share their heart with us. A
person seemingly rejects us in favor of someone or something else.
Or so it seems at first glance. What makes rejection seemingly hurt
so much is that we perceive it to be a rejection of us personally.
As a person, a human being.
One of the definitions
of rejection is to deny. The one we take personally is to discard
as defective or useless. That one zings right into our hearts. One
thing I know for certain -- absolutely no one on this earth can
tell you that you're defective or useless. Well, they can tell you
but you can ?reject? their comment. The real pain behind rejection
is that we think someone is saying we aren't worthy. We are defective
or useless. Guess what, it's a lie.
IT'S A LIE!
You aren't defective,
flawed or useless. Why is it a lie? No one is defective or useless.
If we are breathing we have an opportunity to be quite useful and
if there is something we want to change about our lives, we can
do that. No one is defective. Why do you think that the other persons
behavior is about you? It isn't. It's about them. Always.
It's about what
works and doesn't work for them. And if you don't ?work? for someone,
I guarantee you that you will work for someone else. And someone
else will work better for you. And if someone can make you feel
defective, then underneath you feel that way, otherwise you would
reject that thought. You aren't defective. That's the truth.
I worked with
a fabulous woman - we'll call her Teresa. She is smart, kind, funny
and very upbeat. But every time a man didn't want to be with her,
she felt rejected. And it would put her into a tailspin. As we worked
on having her realize and focus on the things that she liked about
herself, she began to shift.
Step by step,
she began to realize she wasn't defective and that she was useful,
and so much more.
Then we looked
at the various men in her life and what was going on with them.
When she looked closely, she realized they weren't rejecting her.
It wasn't personal.
They had their
own issues, insecurities, fears, etc. She also realized she was
better off without them in her life on a romantic relationship basis.
Neither person was defective or useless - they just weren't meant
to be together in a romantic way
Now she is dating
and enjoying herself and not rejecting herself or letting anyone
else reject her.
When you are
in the best relationship for yourself and for the other person,
you'll know it. It doesn't mean you are home free. There is always
work in relationships. But you will know you?re in love and loved.
But that person
- the best person - for you doesn't make you feel rejected when
he has to take care of his own business.
You know he
loves you - he tells and shows you in various ways. He shows his
appreciation and respect for you. And you show love, respect and
appreciation of him, which creates a safe and courageous space for
WORK ON YOURSELF
So if this is
a recurring theme in your life, then start right now to heal it.
Begin by listing
all the wonderful qualities you have. Then ask friends and family
what it is they appreciate and like about you. Then look back on
past relationships and honestly ask yourself where the man was in
his life when he ?rejected? you. What was going on in his life?
What kind of man was he really?
Often we love
someone and know they are truly a good person, but their behavior
is awful. Or maybe they just aren't available, so they can't be
in a relationship. Maybe they came from an abusive home and they
don't know how to love, or communicate.
Most of us didn?t
learn how to be in healthy, thriving relationships. We learned our
relationship skills at home and often they weren?t the best models.
It's your choice
whether you want to feel rejected or you want to accept that it
wasn't the best person for you or vice versa. There isn't anything
wrong in either case. No one is wrong, defective or useless. It
just wasn't a good fit.
So don't feel
badly about yourself. You're a Goddess!
If you want
some help working through any old rejection patterns, give me a
call or get some help from another source. Don't hold on to it any
When you love
yourself, when you feel good about yourself, when you let yourself
and others have what is needed, you will feel free.
So love yourself,
see your goodness, honor your Goddess. imagine the possibilities....
Carol C. Chanel, 2004-2005
Chanel is a Certified Life Coach who helps people get UNSTUCK, have
healthy, joyful relationships, improve their love lives and feel
great. Carol works with people by phone, from all over the world;
and writes an ezine, Rockin? Relationships, to guide people through
the challenges of relationships.
You can contact her at:
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