Too Easy To Leave
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
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Too Easy To Leave
Mathew, both in their 50ís, have been together for two years. Both
have been previously married and divorced. When they met, they fell
madly in love, which lasted for a few months. Then the conflicts
and Mathew left their marriages because they were with partners
who were completely unwilling to open to learning regarding the
conflicts. Both Katheryn and Mathew wanted to find a partner who
would learn and grow with them. They found each other at a personal
time a conflict occurs, which is often at this point in their relationship,
they both threaten to leave. Katheryn is consistently yelling, ďIím
had it! Iím leaving!Ē while Mathew yells, ďWhy donít you just leave!Ē
They each have a foot out the door.
Mathew are stuck in a typical control-resist relationship system.
Katheryn wants to leave because she is so frustrated by Mathewís
constant withdrawal and resistance, while Mathew wants to leave
because he canít stand Katherynís constant attempts to control him
and make him responsible for her feelings.
Leaving is a
waste of time for Katheryn and Mathew. Actually, these two people
have exactly what they asked for Ė someone to learn and grow with.
Both Katheryn and Mathew are willing to learn and explore at some
point after the conflict. Each are slowly becoming more aware of
their end of their dysfunctional relationship system. If they leave,
they have no one to come up against, no one who triggers their issues,
so their issues will not be addressed until they are in another
relationship. Then the same issues will surface.
The people I
work with often believe that it would be easier to start over with
someone else, or easier to be alone. I assure them that, in my experience,
all learning and growing relationships are very challenging Ė that
all couples who desire to create a really wonderful and loving relationship
have to go through the trenches of healing their woundedness within
the relationship. It may be easier to be alone, but itís lonely
and the major relationship issues never get healed.
If you are a
person who deeply desires to continue your emotional and spiritual
growth, and you are with a partner who also desires this, than DONíT
LEAVE. No matter how bad the fights get or the distance gets Ė except
if there is continued physical violence - keep at it. Itís too easy
to leave, to easy to blame the other person, too easy to miss the
incredible opportunity that relationships provide for healing and
important to hang in there when children are involved. Iím not saying
to stay just for the children. If you are with a physically violent
partner, or a partner who has no desire to take any personal responsibility,
or a substance abuser who has no desire to heal from his or her
addiction, then you may need to leave. But if you have a partner
who is on a growth path, who is willing to explore with you, who
is willing to have counseling with you, who is willing to learn
to take responsibility for him or herself, then leaving is not the
answer. No matter how difficult things get at times, you have a
responsibility to yourself, your partner, your family, as well as
to the whole of humanity to do the learning you came to this planet
If you are fortunate
enough to be with a partner who is, at least at some of the time,
opens to learning with you, you are fortunate indeed. The relationship
will take you to the depths of your dark side and to the heights
of your ability to love. It will take you where you need to go,
so donít give up just because itís so hard. The challenge is to
be doing a daily Inner Bonding practice of going within, connecting
with yourself and with Spirit, and learning what it means to move
beyond control, beyond resistance, beyond punishing the other, beyond
threats and bullying, beyond blame, beyond being victim, beyond
compliance, and beyond fear. The challenge is to be healing your
wounded self and developing your loving adult, which occurs in growing
relationships when both people are devoted to becoming loving adults.
The challenge is to be guided more and more by your spiritual Guidance
and less and less by your ego/wounded self.
Even if you
think that you are open and your partner isnít, it would be in your
highest good to stay in the relationship until you are able to remain
loving to yourself and your partner no matter what your partner
is doing. As long as you are triggered by your partnerís behavior,
your healing is not complete and there is no point in leaving. If
you reach a point where you are no longer triggered by your partnerís
behavior, you might discover that your partner has also changed,
even though you believed he or she was not open to learning and
growing. If your partner remains closed and there is really nothing
more for you to learn, then it might be time for you to leave.
Get both feet
in there and do your inner work before even thinking about leaving.
Donít let your wounded self decide your relationship for you. Donít
leave until you know that you are fully guided to do so from a spiritual
source of wisdom and truth. Donít waste this opportunity to evolve
your soul in love.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books,
including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and ďHealing
Your Aloneness.Ē She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding
healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for
a FREE Inner Bonding course: www.innerbonding.com
Or, you can email her at: mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org.
Phone Sessions Available.
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