I Give Up Me To Not Lose You?
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
you'd like to share with us your own article about love relationship,
you can submit them here at our Love
I Give Up Me To Not Lose You?
How far can
you afford to bend your values to preserve your relationship? How
far can you go in giving yourself up to avoid losing your partner?
How much of yourself can you afford to sacrifice to not lose someone
you love? How do we find the balance between maintaining our integrity
and bending our values?
require us to bend to a certain extent, but how much can we bend
without a sense of loss of self?
There is an
inherent paradox in these questions: A truly loving relationship
is a relationship where each person accepts and even values the
differences between them. If you have to excessively bend your values
to preserve the relationship, what are you preserving? You are not
preserving a loving relationship since love does not demand that
you excessively bend your values.
look at relationship in terms of bending values to accommodate another
person, let’s look at it in terms of each person learning and growing
as a result of their differences in values.
Patricia is a highly responsible person with a strong work ethic,
while Sam tends to let things go a lot, which results in an imbalance
regarding financial responsibility in the relationship. Patricia
is not happy about this. Does she just accept these differences
to preserve the relationship? No! That is not what a good relationship
is really about. Since a good relationship is about each person
learning and growing from their differences, rather than one or
both people giving themselves up, Sam and Patricia need to engage
in open explorations about their differences. They each have beliefs
that can be explored, and in this process, new learning occurs that
leads to intrinsic change rather than superficial compromise.
The real problem
occurs when one or both partners are not available for exploration
and learning. If one partner says, “Just accept me the way I am,”
or gets angry or withdrawn when the other partner attempts to discuss
the situation, no learning can take place. Then the other partner
either has to accommodate or leave – not a healthy situation.
Joe is extremely
neat, while Julia has a hard time putting things away. Roberta is
always on time while Cecelia is always late. Maggie is a spender
while David is a saver. Carl has a high sex drive while Andrea has
a low sex drive. Angie is an authoritarian parent while Curt is
a permissive parent. Ronald is highly social while Greg is a homebody.
Depending upon whether or not each person is open to learning, these
differences can lead to:
- One partner
giving in to avoid conflict
- Both partners
opening to learning and growing as a result of their differences
of these conflicts depend entirely upon intent. There are only two
possible intents in any given moment: The intent to protect against
pain or the intent to learn about loive.
When one or
both partners have the intent to protect against pain, then they
will find many controlling ways of avoiding dealing with the differences.
They may argue, defend, withdraw, blame, give in, resist, explain,
and so on, Each is intent on having their way, not being controlled
by the other, or avoiding the other’s rejection. This will always
lead to distance and unhappiness in the relationship. The problem
is not in the differences themselves, but rather in the unwillingness
to learn and grow from the differences.
When both partners
are open to learning about their differences, their differences
become fertile ground for the exciting process of personal and spiritual
growth and healing.
We cannot make
another person be open to learning – we don’t have that control
over others. If you are in a relationship where your partner refuses
learn and grow from the differences, then you need to be honest
with yourself regarding how much of yourself you can give up and
still maintain a sense of integrity. You cannot afford to compromise
your personal integrity. You can bend and accommodate as long as
you do not feel as if you are losing yourself. Once you feel that
you are losing yourself to preserve the relationship, you will likely
find yourself so resentful of the other person that the relationship
begin to fall apart anyway as a result of giving yourself up. You
are not preserving it by accommodating – you are destroying it while
The key is to
be willing to come up against conflict and rejection, and even lose
the other person rather than continue to accommodate when going
along with what your partner wants means a loss of your personal
integrity. On the emotional and spiritual level, you can afford
to lose your partner but you cannot afford to lose yourself.
Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books,
including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the
co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn
Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course:
or email her at:
email@example.com. Phone sessions available.
Back to Love
Advice Page <<
little journal of love is now available for your free download.