You Shouldn't Do If He's Cheating on You
by Ruth Houston
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Things You Shouldn't Do If He's Cheating on You
This may be
the most important article you’ll read about dealing with your husband’s
affair. There’s plenty of information available on what to do if
your husband is cheating. But very little has been written about
the things you shouldn’t do.
is cheating. You’re not sure what to do. Before wrestling with that
decision, let’s focus first on what you SHOULDN’T do. Most women
react blindly when they find out their husbands are having an affair.
They let fear, anger, hurt, or a desire for revenge compel them
to do things they later regret -- things which make it difficult
or impossible to implement any worthwhile infidelity advice they
may later receive.
will keep you from making a mistake that could sabotage the course
of action you eventually decide to take. Regardless of whether you
decide to leave your husband or stay with him and try to work things
out, doing the wrong thing at the outset can make a bad situation
worse. Let’s look at 5 key things you SHOULDN’T do and examine the
put him out or leave him - yet.
Instead of your
first move, putting your husband out or leaving him should be your
last resort. You may eventually decide to do this, but for now,
it’s the worst thing you can do. Right now you need to keep a close
eye on what’s going on. It’ll be easier to do that if the two of
you are still living under the same roof. If you put him out or
leave, you’ll be hard-pressed to know what he’s doing, short of
hiring an investigator. As long as you’re still together, you can
keep your finger on the pulse of his affair and gather some much-needed
facts. There’s a lot you need to know about the situation before
you can make an intelligent decision about what to do. Continue
monitoring your husband’s activities, attitude, the frequency of
his contact with his lover and any other details concerning his
affair. Write everything down in a journal for future use. Also
bear in mind that as long as he’s still there, you have a chance
to work things out.
tell the whole world about his infidelity.
to want to confide in somebody about your husband’s affair, or rally
friends and family to your side. But be very cautious about who
you tell. The female friend you confide in could turn out to be
the “other woman.” Make sure you’re confiding in someone you know
you can trust. Confiding in a male friend about your husband’s affair
could complicate the situation. There are men out there who take
advantage of women when they’re in a vulnerable state. Telling your
husband’s friends or family may not produce the results you want.
They might not take you seriously, or they may lie, make excuses
for him, take his side, or warn him to cover his tracks. Confiding
in your own family and friends can eventually come back to haunt
you. Elephants aren’t the only ones who never forget. Some people
have a tendency to remember unpleasant events long after they’ve
been resolved. If you and your husband decide to reconcile, they
could make things difficult by harboring anger and hostility toward
him for what he did to you. Or they may show resentment toward you
for taking him back. Exercise caution in who you tell about your
ignore his affair or pretend it’s not happening.
Going into denial
will only make matters worse. As traumatic as it is to find out
that your husband has been cheating, you need to face the reality
of the situation. Ignoring his infidelity gives him the go-ahead
to continue his affair. Pretending it’s not happening will make
him think he’s getting away with his cheating, or give him the impression
that he has your silent approval. At some point you should inform
your husband that you know about his affair and make it clear that
you want it to stop. The sooner you confront him about his cheating,
the better. The longer you wait to bring it up and express your
disapproval, the more attached he will become to the other woman.
And the harder it will be to get your marriage back on track. Remember
too, that affairs thrive in secrecy. Sometimes, just telling your
husband you know about it, will be enough to put a stop to his affair.
confront him without the 3 P’s – Proof, a Plan, and a Purpose.
agree that you should confront your husband about his cheating.
But you need to have a plan. Choose the time and place carefully
so you can discuss the affair at length without interruption. DO
NOT ask your husband if he’s cheating. CHEATERS ALWAYS LIE. Present
the evidence you’ve gathered that proves he’s having an affair -
names, dates, places, times, absences, phone calls, physical evidence,
etc. Then ask him some pointed questions about his affair: why he
did it, how it started, how long it’s been going on, how he feels
about the other woman, what he intends to do now that you know.
Listen carefully to his answers so you can accurately assess the
situation. Then you’ll be able to make a wise decision about what
course of action to take. DO NOT CONFRONT YOUR HUSBAND WITHOUT PROOF
OF HIS INFIDELITY. To do so will be a colossal waste of time. Unless
you can prove he’s been cheating, the information-gathering phase
will never get off the ground. If you need proof, there’s a way
for you to get it without hiring a detective or buying software
or surveillance equipment. “Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale
Signs” will help you find all the proof you need using only your
eyes and ears, your personal knowledge of your husband, and the
information in this book.
waste your time and energy on the other woman.
One of the worst
things you can do is become obsessed with the other woman. It’s
natural for you to be curious about her, but she’s not worth your
time and energy. Repeatedly questioning your husband about her,
referring to her or dragging her name into the conversation puts
the spotlight on her instead of on the real issues where it belongs.
Don’t obsess over the details of what happened between the two them.
Concentrate on working things out between the two of you. Do not
humiliate or frustrate yourself by calling or confronting the other
woman and demanding that she leave your husband alone. She’s not
obligated to take orders from you. Harassing her or threatening
her will put you on the wrong side of the law. Name-calling, criticizing
or belittling the her will only make your husband come to her defense.
You’ll be driving them closer together instead of forcing them apart
Forget about the other woman and focus your energy and efforts on
getting your marriage back on track.
Will you end
up sabotaging your marriage or saving it? The final outcome depends
on the way you handle things when you first discover your husband’s
affair. In the initial stages, you may be unsure exactly what you’re
going to do. But at least you know what NOT to do. Whether you stay
with your husband or leave him, avoiding these mistakes, leaves
the way clear for whatever decision you eventually make.
2003 Ruth Houston
HOUSTON is the author of “Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale
Signs.” Visit her website www.IsHeCheatingOnYou.com
for detailed information on the 21 categories of telltale signs.
Or e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org
for a FREE infidelity report and list of selected telltale signs.
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