they can’t get men to talk. When time comes for intimate conversation,
guys clam up, offer a few, indecipherable grunts and expect
women to magically understand what’s going on. The number one
complaint women have in relationships is, “I don’t know what
he’s thinking. He never tells me what is going on with him.
How can I get him to open up?”
shut out, and men feel misunderstood. However, there is something
women don’t realize. Men want to talk. Under the right conditions,
they’ll talk all night long. Most men desperately need to unburden
themselves and let others know what’s going on.
silenced by different factors - the roles they are forced to
play, lessons they’ve learned from their own families, or hurt
from past relationships. They are silenced by prevalent myths
of manhood, which often contradict the reality of the lives
myth is that it is unmanly to talk, to open up and tell all.
A man must present an invincible image to the world. As children
boys are told - Boys don’t cry. That stuff’s for girls.” Implicit
in the idea is that expressing feelings represents weakness.
It is as if they say, “I’m powerful, I need nothing from you.”
Her Hands “If she knows too much about me, I’ll be putty in
her hands,” said Robert, a thirty year old executive. “I never
let a woman know what‘s really doing inside. Why should I? She’ll
only throw it back at you when there’s a fight later.” Robert
lives expecting trouble. In fact, he not only looks forward
to it, but also does his share to quietly make it happen. It’s
the way he releases his pent up feelings.
to fight,” Robert continued. “You get closer later. I mean,
if you can survive a good fight, then the two of you have a
communication, via fighting, is for the purpose of establishing
rank. This is not communication, but sparring. It is domination,
masking itself as love.
is never about winning or losing. The essence of real communication
is always about love
Him To Talk
to bring out the best in a man, and hear all of what he has
to say, there are easy steps which when followed, will help
this happen easily.
to feel he’s not going to be rejected,” says Ed Pankau, nationally
acclaimed private investigator and best-seller, author of How
To Hide Your Assets And Disappear. “Men are afraid if they do
open up, someone’s going to laugh at them and they’ll be humiliated.”
Men are much more afraid of rejection than women. People don’t
judged is another form of rejection. “Listen to what he is saying,
and beyond listening, offer something positive in return,” Pankau
continues. “After he tells you some things you could then say,
‘Well, that’s not so bad. I’ve done worse.’ Let him know you’re
on his team, and not sitting there judging him.”
Yourself As Well
be mutual disclosure between partners. “Everybody has problems,
fears and skeletons in the closet,” Mr. Pankau continues. “Many
guys feel, if I reveal this, she’ll leave me. You have to show
that this is not the case. Reveal something about yourself that
shows you have as much trust in him as he has in you.”
Of Past Grievances
If an individual
feels his communication will be distorted, misunderstood, told
to others, or thrown back at him at a later date, it is impossible
for him to open up. Some people hold onto what has been said
at one point in time, and never let it go. The ability to forgive
may be just as simple as realizing that what was true a year
ago, may not be true now. True communication requires the ability
to remain in the present moment and to let the past be over
when it’s done.
To Everything He Wants To Say
Healer and Director of the Academy of Natural Healing, has a
different experience regarding communication.” As far as I’m
concerned,” he said, “I, personally, tell everybody everything.
I can’t hold it back if I want to. My wife is willing to listen
to everything. I don’t have to lie to her at all.
is Lewis’s wife willing to hear what he says, but she is willing
to take action to give him what he asks for. This is communication
taken to the highest level. Her ability to understand is manifested
both in words and in deeds. We all want love and we want to
give love but are not willing to do what is required to make
that happen, and part of that is honesty.
to communicate honestly, you have to accept honesty from others,
and many people won’t. Arrmand DiMele, Director and Founder
of the DiMele Center for Psychotherapy and the host of the Positive
Mind show asked, “Is it even possible to have honest relationships?
The assumption is everybody’s going to be honest. The truth
is – few people are. The main reason that people are not honest
is – the consequences are too big. You can’t do it if the other
person is not going to celebrate honesty.”
to accept honesty from others grows as we a realize that true
security does not come from the approval of others, but from
being true to ourselves.
we be true to ourselves if we don’t know who we are? Identity
is a complex matter. For some men it consists of clinging to
a role, or rigid sense of themselves. This man does not realize
that who a person is today, he may not be tomorrow. At different
times different parts of himself will emerge, the Warrior, Healer,
Lover, Wise Man, Real Guy. We all can and must grow into newer
and larger senses of ourselves Unless a man is allowed to explore
different aspects of himself he can easily fall prey to compulsions
and misfortunes. His love becomes conditional, given one moment
and taken away the next.