Dave how he was doing since it was the anniversary of his wife’s
death. He replied, “It’s rough, but what is even worse, is women
won’t leave me alone! I don’t want to hurt their feelings but
they phone me too so I can’t even have peace in my own home.”
encountering desperate women who are 55 or older and feel they
must have a man in their lives to be complete. Their obvious
need is what drives the men away, the opposite of their intent.
to people based on how you perceive them. These perceptions
are influenced by your perceptual styles: Audio, Visual, Feeler,
and Wholistic. Further, when you are desperate, this clouds
your perceptions because you see what you want to see. “I just
know I’m perfect for him” or “I know he’s interested in me.”
You lose your objectivity.
makes you reactive causing your hot button to be easily pushed.
Your hot button stimulates an emotion out-of-control, which
is fueled by fears.
of the Audio perception are reactive, there is an undercurrent
of anger waiting to vent. Maintaining personal control is important
for them. “Get out of my way, he’s mine!” There are basic fears
for each perceptual style. For Audios, they are:
of life being out of control (“With you in my life, I can
be back in control again.”)
of losing face and not being respected (yet, by being pushy
or fighting with perceived competition, this is exactly what
you are doing).
of not being loveable (You speak you mind and may talk with
a confrontational tone. For some men, this might too forward.
They might like you but don’t find you lovable.)
Audios: Lighten up and be sensitive to his feelings. Be willing
to let him pursue you rather than you badgering him. If he doesn’t
call or ask you out, maybe, as authors Greg Behrendt and Liz
Tuccillo say in their bestseller book: “he’s just not that into
you.” If you relax and realize if it’s meant to be, it will
happen, that you can’t make it happen, you will be more in balance
with all four of the perceptions. Your softer side will emerge.
are reactive, they become indignant, feel sorry for themselves.
Feelers are caring and will do thoughtful things but they are
also setting up unspoken expectations fueled by their fears:
of not being appreciated (“You didn’t say thank you” – an
expectation placed on him even though he didn’t ask you to
of not being liked, loved (Giving and receiving love is a
top priority – “I want to him to share his life with me.”)
of making a mistake (You don’t want to disappoint him so have
a difficult time saying no to requests – an easy target for
men who use women.)
of getting hurt (You want to feel secure in a loving relationship.
If he wants to be just a friend, you may feel hurt because
you expected more.)
Feelers: Realize your unsolicited help, such as bringing over
meals, might be considered interfering with his privacy and
won’t be appreciated. Become your own best friend rather than
a needy, desperate woman looking for a man to rescue her. Men
enjoy being with someone who is interesting. Show your natural
enthusiasm for living – your fun side.
are reactive, they become frustrated and depressed. Their biggest
trap is perfectionism. “I like you but you need to change in
some areas. If you love me, you’ll be willing to make those
changes.” This desire for the “perfect” man is fueled by their
of not being able to live up to one’s own high standards (“If
we work at it, we can be the perfect couple.”)
of running out of time (“I visualized my life as being married
and the older I get, the less men there are to make this happen.”)
of the unknown (“I want to feel secure about my future – to
be able to visualize it as a comfortable life.”)
Visuals: Let go of perfectionism. You can easily be hurt by
criticism because you view what you do as who you are. Don’t
be so hard on yourself if you make mistake or if a relationship
didn’t turn out as expected. Learn to accept yourself as you
are. You have a wonderful sense of humor because you can easily
see the humor in everyday situations. Discover ways to make
your life fulfilling without a man. Then you won’t appear desperate
because “you’re not getting any younger –”
are reactive, they become resentful and blame others for their
discontent. This resentment is fuel by these fears:
of not being valued or given a chance (“I know you could love
me if you’d just give me a chance!”)
of failure, not reaching full potential (As a Wholistic, you
are born with a sense mission, that you are destined for excellence.
If this hasn’t happened, you may use excuses to soften the
disillusionment you have in yourself.)
of restrictions, loss of freedom (“I can’t make a commitment
– I want to be free to go with the flow.”)
Wholistics: Beware of letting your desperation cause you to
“settle for less” if you are disillusioned with yourself. You
might be attracted to abusive men because you don’t deserve
better. It’s never too late to reach excellence, whether it’s
being a wonderful grandmother, or writing a book, or finally
having the time to do those things you always wanted to do but
didn’t have time.
aren’t looking for a man is when they are most likely to find
you. They might find you or you might approach him though a
computer dating service. But if he doesn’t reply to your message
despite how strongly he “courted you” in his first messages,
he’s lost interest. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong
The “Red Hat Society” has expanded into hundreds of groups because
they are women having a good time just being themselves. Remember
Dave’s plea, “I wish the women would leave me alone!”