to Make First Sex Fabulous Sex
by Al Link
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to Make First Sex Fabulous Sex
The heat is
on. You can literally feel it arcing between you. Whether it’s an
enticing stranger you’ve just met or a special someone you’ve been
slowly getting to know, you’re aware that now is the time to take
your connection to the physical level. You can sense that she’s
about ready to hop into bed and you damn well know that you are.
So how do you make this first time with someone new a glorious moment
you’ll both fondly remember rather than a nightmare you’d just as
The first thing
to zero in on is attitude. What exactly is it you want from this
coming sexual encounter - a lusty one night romp or the beginning
of a longstanding passionate relationship?
is nothing wrong with a one-night stand. There is something extremely
exciting about sex with a stranger, with absolutely no strings attached.
Many women feel this way, not only men. What we all have to be careful
about is simply using the other person, treating them as an object
only for our satisfaction.
No one likes
being treated as an object. No one likes being used for someone
else’s purpose. Men typically use women as sex objects. But just
as often women treat men as success objects. What does it mean to
treat a person as an object? It means you use that person to get
what you want without particular regard to what happens to them
or how they feel. At one extreme you would not even care if you
actually cause harm. More frequently harm is not intended, but the
well being of the person you are using is of little or no concern
to you. What is of concern to you is to get what you want, which
in this case is sex.
When you want
sex and you do anything necessary to get it you are using the woman
as a sex object. You may lie and otherwise be deceitful about what
is really going on. You may pretend to care or be interested in
her, but all you really want is to get laid. After you get what
you want, you disappear and she never hears from you again. You
don’t call. You may not even say hello on the street. You may feel
contempt or disgust toward her for having had sex with you. But
this is really a disguised form of self-contempt and self-hatred
projected onto women. It is very unhealthy and in the long run will
leave you alone, lonely, bitter and cynical. This is hardly a prescription
Quick sex between
consenting adults is not about using each other as an object, assuming
both of you understand what is happening, and no deceit is involved.
We call this scenario “no-strings sex.” With no-strings sex, both
parties understand that it is not intended that you will ever see
each other again. You do not exchange addresses or phones or personal
histories. This situation ranks high on the list of most common
fantasy for both men and women. The sex may be extremely hot and
passionate. Both lovers may feel an extraordinary freedom and be
willing to let go completely, dropping their usual sexual shyness
and restraint. Often they will experiment with and allow themselves
to enjoy what they would only dream of doing, but never allow themselves
to do with someone they knew or were in an ongoing relationship
with. They may experiment with things they did not even dream were
only two rules for no-strings sex. They are very simple rules.
Rule #1: Mutual
consent for everything is mandatory. By “mutual consent” we mean
that all aspects of your lovemaking are agreed to by both. You meet
together on the sexual playing field as equals. No one gets physically
hurt. When your partner says “I don’t want to do that” or “stop,
that hurts” you must stop instantly. This is where “no” always means
Rule #2: Don’t
try to find her later!
The other type
of first time encounter is with someone with whom you intend to
have an ongoing relationship. We will call this scenario “relationship
sex.” With relationship sex, it is understood by both of you that
there may be an ongoing relationship after the sex. In fact, it
would be quite normal for relationship sex to take place after you
have been seeing each other for some time. In this scenario sex
is not the start of the relationship, but a deepening of it. It
is also quite common for a relationship to start with a sexual encounter.
If the sex rocks the earth, or even if it is just pretty good, you
may want to go further into relationship to see if you can connect
on other important levels and make something work together in the
longer run. This could evolve into living together or even marriage.
The first rule
for no-strings sex also applies to relationship sex. 1. Mutual consent
for everything is mandatory. In addition to this rule there are
a few others to keep in mind. 2. Great respect is mandatory. 3.
Great caring is mandatory. 4. Open, honest communication is mandatory.
5. Gentleness is used as required, and roughness is used as mutually
- Mutual consent
for everything is mandatory. If you do not both enjoy it, what
is the point? Remember, we are not using each other, we are loving
each other. It is certainly all right for one partner to try things
because the other person likes it even if they don’t, but this
is a gift freely given and cannot be required.
- Great respect
is mandatory. Respect implies that you are aware of what the other
person wants. You are willing to discover what they are capable
of and what their sexual limits are. Your lover may have been
injured psychologically or emotionally from past relationships.
In fact this will almost certainly be the case, almost everyone
has had their heart broken at least once. At the extreme, they
may have experienced sexual abuse as a child. They may feel insecure
about their sexuality. They may suffer from low self-esteem as
a lover. They may be quite inexperienced in sexual technique.
You must be extremely patient and ever so sensitive to the messages
they send out about how fast to proceed, what to do and not do.
Talk openly to establish the boundaries of your sexuality. Then
experiment to push back the boundaries at a pace you can both
find comfortable and safe.
- Great caring
is mandatory. Love is always given and received as a gift. It
has been said that there is no such thing as bad sex, that sex
without love can still be great sex, but sex with caring adds
a warmth that connects two hearts and souls together. This is
sex beyond technique. Sex with caring leaves the lovers filled.
Sex with love leaves the lovers overflowing. It is caring that
moves sex beyond the physical to allow for the creation of a deeper
spiritual connection. Most men want an emotional connection and
most would welcome a more spiritual experience of sex, but they
are afraid and they just haven’t learned how to do it yet. Most
women quite frankly, require the emotional connection as the price
is used as required, and roughness is used as mutually desired.
With mutual consent anything goes. But it is usually best to start
out with more gentleness and progress to more roughness only as
you learn that she wants it and likes it. Many women like a playful
roughness as long as they feels truly safe. But if you have not
established a high degree of trust with her, roughness prematurely
can end what could have been an excellent long-term sexually passionate
- Open, honest
communication is mandatory. Talk about sex. Tell each other what
you like and dislike. A good way to do this is to always offer
choices A and B and ask which she likes best. This avoids the
damage to fragile egos that young men are so prone to when they
are learning about a new lover. If a man hears, “I don’t like
that” it is very easy for him to have his feelings hurt and this
may cause him to withdraw, or get angry, or react in some dysfunctional
way. But if you give your women, for example, the choice between
fondling her breasts this way, or this way, and ask which is best,
you will not have your feelings hurt, and you will quickly learn
what she really likes. This is how a lover becomes a great lover.
If you need
to have your imagination stimulated to know what to try, read any
of several great lover’s manuals available in good bookstores everywhere.
Then use the A-or-B technique to find out about your woman specifically.
Here are a few titles to look for. You can order these from our
web site if you can’t find them in your local bookstore.
“Soul Sex: Tantra
for Two”, by Pala Copeland and Al Link
“The Art of Sexual Ecstasy: The Path of Sacred Sexuality for Western
Lovers” by Margo Anand
“How to Make Love All Night (And Drive a Woman Wild: Male Multiple
Orgasm and Other Secrets for Prolonged Lovemaking)” by Barbary Keesling
“The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld
“How to Overcome Premature Ejaculation” by Helen Singer Kaplan
honestly considered your attitude you can move into the physical
aspects of loving: like the setting, foreplay, afterplay and all
the juicy bits in between. In the East there is a long tradition
of the warrior lover – a man who has prepared himself physically,
emotionally and mentally for the great and glorious battle between
the sheets. This is not for dominating or defeating your lover but
for skillfully bringing out the best in both of you so you can rise
to new heights in your sexuality.
The idea of
creating the right ambience for lovemaking may seem artificial or
calculated, but there is an art to great loving and why not bring
out the artist in yourself? A secluded place, candlelight, music,
wine, food and clean sheets may sound like a trite scene from an
old James Bond movie but they still hold true. Women love to be
adored and creating a special place for loving shows that you care
about what they want too.
It has become
common knowledge that foreplay is very important in bringing a woman
to sexual satisfaction. She takes longer to become aroused to the
point where she can match you in intensity of desire. But what is
also essential is afterplay. When you’ve come to a happy climax
don’t just roll over and go to sleep or get up and go home. Even
though your hormones may be telling you you’re finished, your lover
won’t be. Take the time and make the effort to show your appreciation
and caring through some tender cuddling and soft words or by sharing
some food and conversation. You’ll benefit too from staying in love’s
shouldn’t have to be said but it still does, always, always practice
safe sex. Use condoms and dental dams until you are certain you’re
in a completely monogamous relationship and you’ve both had AIDS
tests. Remember good first time sex with someone means no one gets
hurt, during loving or afterwards.
Link and Pala Copeland own and operate 4 Freedoms Relationship Tantra.
They regularly host Tantra Sacred Loving weekends near Ottawa Canada,
and weeklong retreats in exotic locations around the planet. For
more information call toll free from Canada or USA: 1-800-684-5308
International long distance: 1-819-689-5308. Visit their website
or send email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Their book, Soul Sex: Tantra for Two, is published by New Page Books,
little journal of love is now available for your free download.
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